The Book Of Boredom
by Saelan
Summary: What happens when you get future members of the Order of the Phoenix, a hatred for Voldemort, and a day with nothing to do? 2007


**Please keep in mind that this was written a LONG time ago; it was one of my first complete stories. If you find errors in spelling or grammar, please let me know. I'm going to keep this, and all of my other old stories, posted so I can track my crawling progress as a writer. Thank you for reading.**

On another note, thank you to: Jessica I. for 98 and 99 (and the idea for 100); Brooke J. for random, idiotic ideas ( and help on 51); and "squeky" for assisting with the project. If you participated but I didn't add your name, please e-mail me and tell me what an idiot I am. Oh, and submissions are still open if you wish to contribute (help is greatly appreciated.)

Lily sat in the armchair by the fire and watched the Marauders, who didn't have the slightest clue what to do either; it was the Christmas holidays and classes had ended only the day before, but even Filch was in too good a mood to bother much. Peter was the only one who had gone home for Christmas and James, Remus, and Sirius were all glad he was finally gone because the only thing he was interested in lately was playing Gobstones, which had gotten old to Lily as well. The common room always smelled bad because of it and it just annoyed everybody, not to mention that it encouraged stupid and rash ideas to get rid of him for good. James had come up with the idea of taking him to the Room of Requirement and tying him up for a month or so, but Remus had managed to talk him out of it without saying a word, an astonishing feat for anybody.

"You know..." James said, looking determined and slightly insane about something.

"What do we know?" Remus asked, putting his newest book aside like it had tried to bite him.

"I dunno what you know, but I know something we can do." He got up and went to the dormitory, returning with an old book that looked like it had encountered Remus on a night with a full moon.

"What's that for?" Sirius asked, hanging upside down on the couch and having second thoughts about doing so. "Are you going to bore us to death with one of the fairy tales I hear Peter mumbling about every night in his sleep?" He slid off of the couch and sat on the floor next to Lily, who couldn't help but wonder James' intentions as well.

"Do you plan on writing a book or something?" she asked, trying to get a good look at the cover and failing, due to the fading light outside and the fire that was beginning to grow dim.

"No, but I want to make a list."

"A list of what? 1,005 ways to annoy Filch while making him believe it's Peeves?" Remus asked, curious as to what his idea was now.

"A list of ways to annoy somebody," James said, looking evil as he held up the book and four quills. "A list of ways to annoy Lord Voldie."

***************  
100 Ways To Annoy Lord Voldemort

"Guaranteed To Get You Killed In Five Seconds Flat!"

1. Send him bouquets of flowers addressed to "Tommy" from "your secret admirer".

2. Get a Muggle CD player and play Barbie Girl by Aqua on full blast as many times as you can. Don't forget to hide it.

3. Put Christmas bows on his head and tell him he looks adorable.

4. Buy him a plastic nose with a huge wart on it and attach it to his face using a permanent sticking charm.

5. Cast the Imperius curse on all of the Death Eaters and make them dance in ballerina gear to the Nutcracker.

6. Turn all of the Death Eaters into ferrets and tell Nagini it's dinnertime.

7. Write him love notes on Post-Its and stick them EVERYWHERE!

8. Throw him a birthday party using nothing but pink banners and balloons.

9. Get him nothing but Barbie dolls and My Little Pony videos for his birthday.

10. Super glue a neon pink wig to his head.

11. Tell him Crabbe and Goyle are using his wand to play darts after telling them they should do it.

12. Put whoopee cushions in all of the furniture and carry a can of air sanitizer. Spray it at him whenever he sits down.

13. Melt Acid Pops and put them in his food.

14. Put a sign outside the building that has neon lights saying "Voldie's Hide Out".

15. Tell him he's the cutest little thing you've ever seen everytime you see him.

16. Attach his wand to the back of his robes with super glue and ask him where it is.

17. Get twenty cooking timers and set them for the same time, then hide them everywhere.

18. Get pictures of his parents and stick them to the walls and ceiling using a permanent sticking charm. Repeat for his forehead.

19. Put a sign on his back that says "Me Voldie. Me Stupid."

20. Paint multicolored flowers on him while he's sleeping.

21. At the next meeting, levitate an anvil above his head and repeatedly pretend to drop it.

22. Set him on fire and see how long it takes for him to notice.

23. Call him "Ickle Tommykins" everytime somebody else is in the room.

24. Offer him eggs for breakfast and throw in the shells for flavor.

25. Tell him he should give yoga a try.

26. Buy him a dozen flowering shrubs and put them in his room (make sure they all have bugs).

27. Put Flobberworms in his mattress.

28. Tell him that the Sorting Hat decided he should have been in Hufflepuff all along.

29. Sing opera music every time he enters a room.

30. Get him a fish, call it Marvy, and cry when when doesn't feed it and it dies.

31. Take Nagini to a pet shop and trade her in for a parrot that calls him Tommy.

32. Write a note asking him out on a date and sign it with the name of his favorite Death Eater.

33. Sign him up for kindergarten. Force him to attend.

34. At Christmas, charm a sprig of mistletoe to follow him around.

35. Write him a theme song to the tune of the Barney song.

36. Get him a pogo stick and tell him to act like a kid.

37. Charm his robes to change color every other second.

38. Put lipstick on him the next time you catch him off guard.

39. Announce that "Voldie has left the building!" every time he leaves the room.

40. Send him a thousand Valentines in the middle of August.

41. Tell him to take off his mask; it's too early for Halloween.

42. Rent a wedding dress and put a note signed by Malfoy it in, then leave in on his bed.

43. Get a Quick Quotes Quill and a notepad and have it follow him for a day, then send it to the Daily Prophet and tell them to call it "A Day In The Life of Voldie". Make sure he gets a copy.

44. Get him a frilly pink dress and tell him he should try it on.

45. Sing "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves" as long as you can.

46. Paint his chambers neon pink.

47. Insist that he looked like a Mandrake when he was little.

48. Buy some Dungbombs and set them off in his room right before he goes to bed.

49. "Accidentally" step on his wand and break it in half.

50. Bring a Muggle psychiatrist to him and make him sit and listen to every word they have to say. Don't forget to use a tape recorder.

51. Tell him that the next time he decides to get plastic surgery, don't take Michael Jackson's advice.

52. Remind him that he has major issues. All of the time.

53. Get him a fake snow machine. Run it all year.

54. Volunteer to do his laundry and bleach everything.

55. Try to kill him any way you can, then run when it doesn't work.

56. Take away his wand and bury him alive. See how long it takes him to get revenge.

57. Tell all of the Death Eaters that he's just a big baby under it all.

58. Dress like Malfoy and throw rocks at him. Watch Malfoy get the wrath.

59. Get him a mask. Tell him he looks better with it on.

60. Tell him the mountain trolls want to sumo wrestle him. Laugh manically when you see his reaction.

61. Let a few hundred butterflies loose in his room and say they look pretty; don't forget to scream and cry when he kills "Bob", your favorite butterfly.

62. Start rumors about Voldie having a teddy bear that had been stolen when he was little, then say that was what made him evil.

63. Get him some dog biscuits and give him one every time he decides not to do something evil.

64. Give him nothing but sugar for the holidays and tell him it's because he's so sweet. That'll get to him, if nothing else.

65. Get him a dancing Elmo toy. Make it so it can't be broken, hidden, or turned off in any way.

66. Play "Where Is The Love" by the Black Eyed Peas in his ear when he's sleeping; run when he wakes up.

67. Snort every time you laugh, especially when you're eating.

68. Put his hand in warm water when he's sleeping. Continually tease him about it. Forever.

69. Offer him a breath mint every time he comes near you.

70. Tell him he needs to go slither back in the hole he came from before everybody dies from looking at him.

71. Give him an IQ test. Say the results were negative.

72. Tell him that Mrs. Figg thinks he's pretty. Laugh when he says he doesn't know who that is.

73. Try to sell him to a zoo; say he's a really rare and exotic specimen.

74. Get him a big pacifier. Call it "The Plug". Threaten him with it every time he gets evil.

75. Volunteer him to babysit at every opportunity.

76. Install a disco ball on the wall of his room directly above his head.

77. Make finger puppets of him and his enemies. Make "Bother" his line instead of Snape's.

78. Pretend to be able to speak Parseltongue, but learn only the inappropriate words.

79. At Christmas, tell him that he is a psychopathic version of Scrooge. Laugh when he doesn't understand.

80. Tell him that the only way he can ever disguise himself is to be invisible since he's so hideous.

81. Ask him why he thought splitting his soul into several pieces was a good idea.

82. Tell him Dumbledore had a grilled cheese sandwich on eBay. He had nothing.

83. Interrogate him about why he doesn't believe in the Holiday Armadillo.

84. When he begins to plan transportation for any purpose, offer him your racing bike. Insist on him using it. Play the song from The Wizard of Oz when and if he ever uses it.

85. Schedule for him to go on American Idol.

86. Make him paranoid about the roaches living in the building by telling him they're spies.

87. Get him gift cards to Babies 'R Us.

88. Borrow one of Aragog's children. Put it in his closet.

89. Turn his robes into tin foil and tell him the seventies have returned!

90. Give him a Sudoku puzzle. When he can't solve it, ask him if he split his brain as well as his soul.

91. Get him tickets to Greenland. Insist that it's very warm there. After all, it's called Greenland.

92. Write new words to a Christmas song and be sure he knows it's about him. Sing it all year.

93. Make him sit through "Margie the Snow Beast".

94. If he gets a car, order personalized plates that read "Voldie".

95. Plaster Happy Bunny posters all over the building.

96. Convince him to go scuba diving. "Forget" to bring his oxygen tank.

97. Make him pull an "Aunt Marge" and watch him fly away into the distance as you snap his wand in half.

98. Put posters of "vote for Harry" all over his room. then tell him Lucius did it.

99. Turn all the Death Eaters into leaves, and tell him they all went to join Harry Potter because he is young, and he still has hair and a nose.

100. Put on a Potter Puppet Pal show, just for him; set him on fire at the end and make sure he sees it.

101. Buy a spray bottle and spray him with water every time he does something evil; tell him its for his own good.

102. Make him walk into an elevator and close the door behind him. Jinx the doors to remain closed, so that he'll go up and down, and up and down, until he gets smart enough to realize that he can just Apparate out of the situation.

The final copy of the list was crazy and hilarious, but it could mean something way beyond expulsion if they were ever caught with it. They worked on it for about two hours, not noticing that they missed dinner and not caring. They hadn't left the common room since breakfast and didn't have anything planned for the following day, but one thing was for sure: nobody could ever know what they'd done.


End file.
